In all the articles I read about how to mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare for childbirth throughout my pregnancy (there were a lot), I saw countless warnings to not get too married to a birth plan and to instead have some wishes with the acceptance that there is no way of knowing if your birth story is going to fit your dream scenario. Excellent advice. I think everyone can benefit from knowing and sharing what they value most before going in to the birth of their child. Values can be respected under all sorts of unique circumstances, even ones you never suspected would happen to you.
Hunter and I walked into our birth story with this attitude. Before we knew Arthur had IUGR and I had preeclampsia, we knew the feelings we wanted to experience during the birth of our son, but we didn't have many specifics for how it had to go exactly.
The feelings we identified together were feeling heard and understood by everyone in the room, feeling in the loop at all times about what was going on and why, and feeling like we could take our time discussing options and making decisions when they arose in a non emergency situation. These are values we could exercise no matter what kind of birth we experienced, and for us, that was enough.
"Planning" our birth story this way removed a lot of pressure and, I believe, prevented a lot of potential disappointment. It wasn't solely our idea to do it that way. I had read in a couple places that it was a good place to start, and our doula backed that up by asking us to share what our values were with her as well. Reflecting on the experience we had, I know this exercise is what brought us through some of the hardest, most bewildering moments without being sent adrift into chaos.
To this day, twelve days after Arthur's birth and 23 days since I was diagnosed with preeclampsia, Hunter and I are still relying on seeking out those basic feelings we want through our experience.
We want to feel heard, so we speak up, even when we are speaking up to someone with four degrees and 40 years of experience. Or to an out-of-touch nurse who believes there is exactly one way to do everything: her way (we've only had one, thank goodness, and boy howdy that was a looong shift).
We want to feel in the loop, so we ask questions. Allie Ward of the Ologies podcast reminds us at the end of every episode to "Ask smart people stupid questions." Oh my, have I been exercising my stupid question privileges, and completely without shame. We want to know the plan. We want to know the next step. We want to know the goal, the numbers, the "why" behind everything. We want to know not because we feel like we need to "approve" of everything--How could we possibly? We aren't medical professionals--but because it removes a lot of the mystery of what is going on and how it is helping Arthur on his road to going home. The most powerful question we can ask is "Why?" and has lead us to some really amazing conversations.
And lastly, we still want to feel like we can take our time with new information before making a decision about it. We want to consult with each other, learn everything we need to know about the impact our decision will make, and move on from there with confidence that we haven't just stepped into something big that we don't fully understand. On every occasion of decision making except one (a topic for a different post), we have achieved understanding and knew what to expect before moving forward with the plan. It has removed so much potential for doubt to nag at us later on after we have chosen our path.
Our shared values were put to the test way before we thought we would have to tap into them.
Arthur arrived nearly two months early. He arrived well under the weight or length of a "typical" baby born at his same gestational age because of is Intra Uterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). So, he was early and he was extra, extra small. Arthur arrived by c-section because he was breech (head-up) in the womb (pretty normal for his gestational age to not yet be in head-down position). Had he not been breech, we would have attempted to induce labor with about an 80% chance of going into a c-section anyway either due to labor not progressing, which is common for such a pre term labor, or due to Arthur not tolerating the induction medication and resulting labor.
To be honest, I'm glad he was a c-section without an attempted induction. Yes, even though c-sections typically have a longer recovery than a vaginal birth and vaginal births are good for baby getting their first introduction of beneficial bacteria to kick start their guts and immune systems. Being rushed into an emergency c-section after attempting labor as Arthur's heart rate tanked would have been absolutely terrifying. Instead, my procedure was routine, efficient, Arthur and I did just fine though the whole thing and he came out absolutely wailing. He scored 8s and 9s on his Apgar assessments. Pretty impressive for such a teeny, tiny guy who hadn't been getting all the nutrients he needed from his umbilical cord for the past several weeks. We will catch up on his gut flora later. For now, I'm simply glad I didn't have to be knocked out completely as a much more hurried procedure was performed and a less red and sqwualling Arthur was pulled out.
Hunter and I leaned on our shared values through it all. We approached everything with curiosity instead of panic that day and every day since. I'm proud of us. I'm proud of how well we work together. I'm proud of the way we choose to cope with the unavoidable stress of this situation and how we set each other up for success with each new day, checking in, making time to absorb the experience together, and approaching everything as a team.